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Oct. 17th, 2008

.. I thought. I thought you were different.

I fucking thought you were different. What the hell. What the HELL?! I spilled my heart and soul out to you.. you got "moved" by it, liked me for a few days, but.. You didn't have to string it out this long. You didn't have to string it along. You didn't have to. You didn't have to get me so emotinally worked up. You didn't have to make me even THINK that'd I could ever be with you. You could've just said. "Iesha, I know..


You know what. Fuck it. I can't even type how I feel.

Oct. 12th, 2008



enough said.

.. bleh.

I hate how jealous I get sometimes.
I'm so sorry Reno.
I hate being like this.
I hate this emotion.
But I guess jealousy is nothing new.

It hurts to love you sometimes.

Oct. 11th, 2008

Is it wrong?

I think it's wrong to love you. I think it's wrong to even think about you.
I think it's wrong to even have the slightest bit of hope in thinking that, I could be with you.
It's wrong that I get a little jealous.
He found you first.
And I was too slow.
Finishing in last has never felt this good.

and yet..

It's always something so wrong that feels-- so good.



**days might be off; not the same as the one on myspace.

Oct. 7th, 2008

Since I met you--

Sep. 22nd, 2008

Dating Retarded.

Okay. So either I'm dating-retarded or just not the type that most guys are looking for because today my friend confessed something. She almost did it with her boyfriend the other night.

Seriously, what the crap?
I'm 17. I've never had an actual boyfriend. Hell. I've never been kissed.

I'm dating retarded.

So yes, this is the point for my whole post.

Alright. To continue on my little rant on this, I just don't understand. Am I too abrasive? Not pretty enough? Just plain weird? .. I guess the answer would most likely be all of the above. I mean. I've never really been.. intimate with another person because I'm always afraid to get hurt. I don't mind the occasional scrape against my heart, but when it's something drastic like a stab or someone breaking my heart, it makes it harder for me to move on, to date new people, to find people who will love me for me.

Yeah, I know. "There's someone for everyone".

That there is a load of bullshit. I thought Jae was the someone to my everyone, but I was wrong.. In fact, I've thought a lot of people were the 'one', but .. it just doesn't work that way. Maybe the distorted delusions of love came from the crap load of trashy, romantic comedies I watched as a kid, filling my head with dreams and aspirations that would never be filled by society's standards. With the shallow and pathetic way that Hollywood interprets love, it just shows that everything isn't what it appears. Years of watching Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club showed me the typical stereotypes to exist, but also the mediocracy of love and all of its components. There will never be a time that I will suddenly meet the person I adore at a dance, or any of the situations that movie studios like to emphasize.

Is it me, or has the sparkling promise of Cinderella and other Disney tales also molded the standard that little girls growing up in our society now believe in?

If anything. I just end this short rant with this sentence.

If things are supposed to be perfect, why is there something called 'divorce' in the world?

Sep. 8th, 2008

(no subject)

Do  you not understand? It hurts. It hurts to stand here and watch all of this go out in front of me.  It hurts to pretend everything is okay.


You always ask: "What about us?"

What ABOUT us?
There is no us.
There's you and her.

No other.
There just isn't an us.
Because there just isn't.
No matter what you think, there is never going to an "us".

That us is in another area. Another universe.
Maybe that machine that they're using can find the "us" that you think exists.
We're just friends. Nothing more.
Nothing less.

I know this. Don't you know this?

I'm hurting inside. But it's okay.
The pain feels good.
To be infatuated is one thing.
But to be pushed to the side?
That hurts like a mother.

I despise how I feel.
I hate how I can't move on.
I hate planning to go see your happiness while in turn I'm in my personal hell.
Maybe by then I'll have moved on.
Maybe by then I just won't care anymore.
Maybe by then our ties will be severed and you'll move on with your life while I do the same.

I don't want that, but..
My happiness is falling.
Depression is a daily thing.
Crying is becoming like a second language.
But I don't hurt myself.
No matter how friendly that blade looks, I'll never do it again.

Those blue skies I adore are becoming gray.
The rain I loved standing in makes me want to stay inside.
I hate clouds.
I hate rainbows.
I hate color.

I want only black and white in my life.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

And even as I write all this. I don't mean any of it.
I may say I don't want to see you, but I do.
I might say I want our ties to be severed, but I don't.

I just want to be there for you.


That's all I'll ever be good for.

Sept. 10 just wasn't my day.


**no comments please.

death and all of his friends.

How dare you?
How dare you make me feel bad?
How dare you make me feel insignificant to your main object of affection?

How dare you make me love you?

I can't take it.

Maybe it's time that I crumble under the  p ressu re - - ;
cause it feels like i'm not doing anything right.

i'm not doing anything right.

i'm not doing this right.

angel of mercy, why can't you find me?


Sep. 6th, 2008

How to Save a Life.

1. A moment in time is always wasted when we don't open our eyes to what needs to be shown to the world.
     Speak o u t. - - {
  Now, I say this with experience. Holding in your emotions does not make things go away. Holding how you feel in the inside is like slowly committing a suicide that seems like the end will never come to an end. You have to tell people how you feel. There's not other way of putting it. To you, it may seem like a waste to even bother voicing how you feel, but in the end, the person would rather hear what you say then assume they know the entire jist of it. Tell people how you feel. Don't be afraid to show them your true colors. After everything is said and done, the people who are still standing next to you are the only ones you can trust in life.

2. Accept the wrongs in life.
   Move on.
Shit happens. That's basically how you can say it in the simplest manner. Nothing is ever going to happen the way you want it, and when that does occur, it's a one out of a billion chance. Life isn't a fairy tale. It isn't a movie. It isn't a game. Life is life. It's as real as it's going to get. You can wish for bluer skies and fluffier clouds, but even after that, it's not worth holding onto the things that made your life miserable for a slight moment. Think about it, when you're having the worst day of your life, there could be someone who's having a worse time, either evading death or escaping from a brothel. Everyone has bad days. So, in retrospect, you're not the only one.

3. Realize that everybody has flaws.
You can't expect everybody to be perfect. To be perfect would be to abandon all the little things that make us different and unique, basically destroy the art work that God has made so perfectly.

4. Don't hold onto the past.
  Let go.
Say you've grown up with the same group of people since basically forever. But then.. You notice some are drifting and some are not hanging out with you as much. Hurts right? Well. The thing is, people are going to grow apart, especially in high school. That's the whole point of high school. You meet new people, lose some people but in the end, you'll have friendships that may or may not last out of school. There's nothing wrong with that. There's never anything wrong with that. So, if this happens to you. You  can't just expect to make everything go back the way it was before.

The same thing applies to cases of unrequited love. Why hurt for something that was never there? If your feelings are never returned by the other, then why must you insist on making them fall in love with you, hoping they'll realize that you're right there in front of them. In the end, your feelings won't be returned and you gotta be strong to handle that. All you can do is be there for them, helping them with their problems as much as you can.

**This list will keep growing. So, expect many edits.

Sep. 4th, 2008


Is it wrong for me to sit here and say that I'm okay that I'm never going to finish in first place? Vienna by The Fray is playing softly on my stereo, this lazy evening being filled with nothing more then a slight case of drama between friends and significant others. But of course I'm not going to publicly say anything or voice my opinion on what's going because.. well. It's frankly not my business.

There's really no way to reach me; because I'm already gone.

Well. This thing I have here in my chest is as useless as the pencil shaving that's been wrapped around my pinky for the last minute. Why did God give us a heart? Why did he give us the ability to love? Love, to me, is like a pencil. You sharpen it when it gets dull, but in the end; it becomes a stub that ends up getting thrown away in trash heap. I find it as more of a burden than anything else.

But maybe that's just the pessimist inside that speaking out here tonight.

For now, I think I'll forever become apathetic to the feelings of love and affection.

Japanisforlovers. ( Hypocrite? I think not!)

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